Everyone Please Welcome..

Would you too stop your bickering! That's my job! SHEESH

But we're agreeing with each other, that's not bickering

okay... VOLLEYBALLL!

Hey Nick, me thinks Nikki is a

Haley! wrote:

Hey Nick, me thinks Nikki is a

That's a horse right?

What the HECK is with the insults! directed at me!!!

I thought being called a horse was a good thing. Means you are healthy. Healthy as a horse.

Hehehehe those aren't really for you Nikki they are directed at me because I am a crude little person with lots of time on his hands and want to be just like Haley when I grow up!

8==D

8==D

Haley! wrote:

Nick.. It's a pig. Not a horse.

Yeah I know lol. But there are no sayings for pig I can think of.

8==D

WHO EDITED MY POST

Not me that's for sure. And someone edited MY posts

OH OH I EDITED THEM!
See its a penis!

I broke a sledgehammer I was so angry today.

How is everyone doing?

I'm good

Oh well mine sucked.

I ruined the best friendship I have ever had in my entire life, all over a miscommunication. There is no reasoning with her, there is no forgiveness. She does not forgive, and she does not forget. There is only a black hole where her heart once was. I love her, and I care about her. And I just want things to work out. I was trying to be the best friend I could. But apparently that wasn't good enough. I knew what she was becoming and what she was turning into, because what she was turning into was barely recognizable as human being. I wanted to stop it at any cost, even if it meant the loss of our friendship. And I am sure if she was in my shoes, she would have done the same thing. Because I just want her to be happy. That's all I ever wanted. She helped me get the confidence I needed to get more friends, and improve myself totally. And I did, and I have so many more friends then when I first met her. I cleaned myself up, got myself a new image that works, and is healthy. I started working out, eating healthier, being nicer to people. And I just want the same thing for her, because I love her. I never wanted her to change for me at that last few days of our friendship, I just wanted her to stop doing simple little things that were making me feel bad, Like saying "Whatever" And "Um. Ok" because they made me feel like she didn't really care, and that I was being a bad friend because I wasn't getting the whole picture, and I wasn't understanding her. And I know she will never forgive me, I am not asking for forgiveness. I am asking for a chance to say goodbye, and a chance to just say I love you.

And the thing that hurts the most, is she is reminding me of a little 7 year old that is throwing a temper tantrum because she is not getting what she wants. She is covering her ears and shouting "LALALALALA" as loud as she can to drown out my reason. She is still my hero for doing what she has done. Because of how long she lasted given the circumstances. I will always remember you, I will not forget. I will still name my daughter Haley Noele, because it is my favorite name. I will always think of you as my best friend because that's just what you were, the best. And I remember that one time where I was really down and I said I was dumb, and you said "Yeah, but you're MY dumby" just thinking about that makes me cry, because it meant so much to me that you said that. It made me feel wanted and loved.

And I hope to God she will read this so she can at least have a slight understanding of what I am thinking. And I hope that one day, we can be friends again. Also, my mother said she would have loved to scrap book with her, and that it would have meant a lot to her if she would have. She said she had this one picture of me with my butt sticking in the air as I am sleeping she really wanted you to see.

And I know that for whatever reason, that she won't forgive me, whether it really is that "Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me" bullshit she told me, or some underlying reason she hasn't told me. And I guess, I'm not asking for forgiveness because I did nothing wrong, and if she would give me a chance to explain myself, I think she would realize that.

And I will still do the things we had always planned on doing whether it be alone or not, like going to a pride march and fighting for her. Because I still think no one should tell her who she can or can't love, and who she can or can't marry. And I will still go on that road trip even if its by myself because I want to see the world I live in, and what it has to offer. And I will still go to California because it sounds like an amazing place. And I will tell my grandchildren about what an amazing friend I had when I was only 15 years old.

But there is a few things I have learned talking about this with my Mother and Grandfather, and that's two things. "Good people get shit on." And that friends and people that love and care for each other, forgive each other, no matter what they did to the other person. She's not innocent in this either. She has hurt me, many times. But I always forgave her no more than 2 minutes later because I loved and cared about her.

I still have that dream of sitting by her, when we are old and wrinkled. On that rickety porch with the two rocking chairs. And we would sit there all day just talking and remembering all the amazing stuff we did together. And I will never forget how it was always my favorite thing to do when we talked on the phone, and I was warm in bed. And I will never forget how you always made me feel better, even though you had more important stuff to do. Which leads me to saying I'm sorry for that, because I know it could have waited. But I always sort of brought it upon you to make me feel better even when it wasn't a good time for you. I feel like a horrible friend for that.

But in the end of the day, I can die a happy man. Because knowing in my subconscious that I helped someone, even if it was only for a little bit, I can rest in peace. I can die happily knowing that she is still alive, because of me. She actually changed my life, and I want to thank her for it. You have made me a better person. Thank you, for everything. Thank you so much. I love her. I wish her good luck in whatever she does, whether it become a lawyer or a social worker or whatever. I know she will succeed because she actually cares. And I wish she she has a good, long, healthy life. And I hope she finds someone she can love, and someone she can be with for the rest of her life. And if I had the power to go back in time and fix some of the mistakes I have made, I wouldn't. Because I treasured the time we spent together and I wouldn't give it up for the world.

And what hurts so, so much, is that I am trying to be the best person I can. I was trying be the best friend I can. And yet.. She see's me as the enemy. She see's me as OPFOR. She see's me as nothing but a barricade trying to stop her from achieving what she wants most. And I know that even a little bit of her is still there, because she cares about her Best Friend Raya still. And when I did this... I actually hurt her. And even if she has stopped caring about me, even if she has stopped loving me, I haven't stopped either of those with her. And I think that she thinks that I did this for some selfish reason. But I did it for her. Because I couldn't stand idly by and watch what she was doing to herself. Sinking slowly and slowly into oblivion. And I know for a fact that if she was in my shoes, she would have done the exact same thing.

And it doesn't make any sense at all, that Raya has done nothing but hurt her. Over, and over, and over again. And yet no matter what Raya does to her, she always forgives her. But when I try and do whats best, when I care too much about her to let what she was doing to herself happen, she does not forgive me. And I don't deserve that. Because I was always there for her when she just needed someone to talk to. I was there with her through it all, and this is sort of the thanks I get. I am not sorry for what I did. Nor will I ever be. I tried to save her. But some people, for some ignorant reason, don't want to be saved. And she knows what she is doing to herself. And she is fine with it. Which I don't understand. I was not asking her to change for me. I never asked her to change for me. I asked her to change for herself. Her, and only her. her happiness is what mattered to me the most.

And I want nothing more than to keep this friendship going. Because friends like us don't come around too often. 1/1,000,000. And like I haven't said it enough, I love her. But if this is truly the end, if you really don't care anymore. If she wants to end it for some selfish reason, and some rule that doesn't even make sense then that's too bad. As much as she hope you will rethink her decision. I know she probably wont rethink it though, which saddens me and tells me that you are so willing to discard our amazing friendship.

And here I go, on the third day of writing this and I am still crying. Remember things she did, things she has done, and I am so sad that she wants it be gone. I am sorry that I hurt her. I was only doing what was best. And I hate myself for ruining this friendship, but if this is what will make her happy, then I am happy. And I know she probably hates me for this, but I have been praying for her. I haven't prayed in years. Every night I said a little prayer, read for an hour, then go to bed. Even though every time I close my eyes she is usually in the dream, and we are sleeping together holding hands. Or talking on the phone. Or watching a movie together. And we were both so happy, and smiling, and enjoying each others company. And I wake up crying because I know that can never happen. I am not asking for forgiveness. I am asking she will understand why I did this, and to have another chance. Its okay to break a rule once in a while.

*COUGH* haley *COUGH*

I don't even think she reads these forums any more because I am on them. Meh. It felt really good to let all that stuff out though.

I really, really want to apologize for some of the things I said in there. They were mean and hurtful, and I am sorry. I was mad at the time, and Raya was talking to me, only making me feel worse.

And instead of spilling my heart into words that come from my own heart, I will give you an echo of quotes. Because I remember we would always share them in the worst of times together. Cause I have realized, sometimes the truest of words from a soul can not be spoken from your mouth alone, but others who have gone through that you've gone through and survived it.

And whether these qutoes are suppose to be something I am telling you about this problem, explaining myself, or something for you to read because I know what you are going through even if you don't think I ever bothered to remember. Also, try to figure out the things that I would truly be saying to you, not things I picked up from someone else. Some of these are MY quotes.

"When the world says give up, hope will always be there whispering 'Give it one more shot'"
"Imagination is always more important than knowledge"
"To believe in something others do not, to believe in something they may shun you for, just because you know in your heart that it is the truth your soul yearns for. That is true courage."
"Be strong because things will get better. It may be stormy now, but it can't rain forever."
"If you don't go after what you want you'll never have it. If you don't ask the answer is always no. If you don't step forward you're always in the same place. So what are you waiting for?"
"Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up."
"I may not be my your side anymore, but I promise.. Whenever you look back I will always be there, smiling, waiting to catch you if you fall and help you stand when you are to weak to go on."
"Sometimes we need to get hurt in order to grow. We need the tears to wash away the dirt that was clouding the vision. Sometimes, you have to cause others pain to make them realize just how much they have to hold onto in life."
"Most goodbyes mean until tomorrow, where others mean until we meet again in this lonely world."
"It doesn't matter how hard you try, just how well you play."
"Good luck finding a good girl, I took all the good ones. There are some sloppy seconds over there though"<3

It's okay to make mistakes. It's okay to get angry and say hurtful things. It's okay to cry and want some thing that seems far away. When one door closes, it is true, another one does open. Some things fall apart to let other things fall into place. Life is shitty, you and I both know it. And sometimes, in the most random of times, you will be hit with a new emotion. It's not that I stopped being your friend Nick. I never said "We aren't friends anymore". There was no reasoning with me because I knew your reasoning before you even said it. I know you Nick, more than anyone else. Inside and out, I will know your next move whether I take time to notice or not. I wasn't necessarily mad, just hurt. You said I didn't care about you. That hurt because if I didn't care, why would I have held onto you when you were fading?

See, through the short time we haven't talked, I have grown more than ever before. Instead of dwelling on the bad things, I can look at the pain I suffer each day and just simply say "meh." and keep going on. I am new and old. I am my own alpha and omega. You're just the fag beta<3, my second in command. And Raya.. well Raya is the dumb English alphabet. And we both know that the Greek would rape the English.

Stupid. Call me.

Haley! wrote:

"I may not be my your side anymore, but I promise.. Whenever you look back I will always be there, smiling, waiting to catch you if you fall and help you stand when you are to weak to go on."

"Good luck finding a good girl, I took all the good ones. There are some sloppy seconds over there though"<3

Great. Even the straight ones fall for you. No one can resist you D:

Those made me cry

I am the biggest pussy ever.

But then again I totally wasn't expecting you to say what you said at all. I wasn't even expecting you to forgive me so soon for being an asshike. I thought I just fucked things up yet again. I thought I just fucked things up, whilst trying to unfuck things.

You mind unblocking me from pretty much.. Everything?

hurrah all is well and the sledehammer will be safe once more!

Yeah well you're gay.

Ahem. I am going to take offense to that

Nick you